he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
sex in a hospital.. check
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
