Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Who died my cat blue again?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
