my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
