3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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