Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
