my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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