Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
