Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
