You smell like a Billy Joel song
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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