I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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