you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
