who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
