HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i think i just lost a toe
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
