why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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