That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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