I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
