You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
