I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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