I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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