I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
