I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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