Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
