I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
3pm strippers are depressing
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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