They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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