I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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