Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
