I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
