so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
id be glad to
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
