So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
