and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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