The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
