Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
