just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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