we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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