Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
