Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
