The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
