final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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