I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
