Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
