Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
