I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
