Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you inspire me to be a worse person
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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