Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
