In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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