so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
