I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
