Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
