Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
