He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
